Saturday, June 28, 2014

5 Sassy Things YOU Said as a Kid That Your Kids Can't

Remember those snappy phrases we used to throw around as kids? The ones that went along with someone sticking out their tongue or taking their ball and going home? Well, sorry moms and dads, we used them, but your kids can't and here's why...

"Take a picture. It lasts longer!"
OK, sure hold on. Let me just change apps on my phone. THERE! GOTCHA! Hey, guess what? You're right. It does last longer. It can last a long, looooonnng time. I can save it to my camera roll, upload it to Instagram, make a keychain out of it on Shutterfly, add a caption to it and then send it to my best friend or the girl next door or a teacher or maybe your mother. What? You don't want your mom to see you wearing that skimpy outfit and holding up the one finger anti-peace sign? Too bad I didn't use Snapchat, huh?

"I know you are, but what am I?"
Dumb question dude, just plain dumb. What are you?  I know EXACTLY what you are.  I can view your Facebook profile. You're always sending me Snapchat vids of you, like every ten minutes. I even saw your prank video on YouTube. I can go in Instagram and see all your family photos. I can jump on Twitter and FOLLOW you. I know what you had for lunch, who you think is a hottie and who you twerked at the dance last Friday. So that line really doesn't work, now does it?

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."
Oh yes, they do! In fact, I KNOW they do because as soon as I posted on Tumblr and other places that you were a big "$#^#!!$#", everyone read it and LIKED it, and FAVORITED it, and HEARTED it, TWEETED it and REPOSTED it, then you started BLOWING UP MY PHONE telling me to STOP OR ELSE!! IN ALL CAPS. I kept it up because I thought it was funny, along with everyone else at Central High! Now your mom told my mom (on Facebook?) and now we have to have a meeting at school with the vice principal because you are so depressed you just hole up in your room all day. So evidently, names do hurt you and everyone knows it. No need for sticks or stones.

Here's a quarter, call someone who cares!
What!?!? Why do I need a quarter? I got unlimited minutes. Duh. Stop trippin'.

NaNaNaNaNa (Usually followed by "I can't hear you! I can't hear you!")
Ok, so you can't hear me NOW, but you WILL hear me later. I have SOOOO many opportunities to get to you. So many ways I can make sure you hear me once you stop with that fingers-in-the-ears yelling nonsense. I can call you, tag you, text you, friend you, tweet you...and you can't keep up that NANANA thing forever. Text you later, man. Fo sho.

Ah, the good old days, when you could just stick out your tongue, pick up your ball and walk away from the sass. Go home. Hole up in your room with your Walkman or play Donkey Kong until the next day, when, with rare exceptions, it would all be forgotten. I guess the sass today is just 2Good+2Be 4-Gotten.
Poor kids.

-Hope Horner, 2014
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Feel free to forward and share. For offline use or publication, contact Hope on gmail at hopeh1122.

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