Saturday, May 3, 2014

Warning: I'm Special, You Might Not Be

I hate bumper stickers.
They're tacky and opinionated. And one sided. You don't get to have a conversation with a bumper sticker. It just gets to be in your face while you sit in your car waiting for the light to change. I especially hate "Christian" bumper stickers. I sat behind one at stoplight yesterday that read:

WARNING: In case of rapture,this car will be unmanned.

I made a "hrrrumph" noise when I read it. Kind of like the sound I make every time Dallas Cowboys' quarterback Tony Romo does something I expect him to do--like blow a last minute play or fall down when he is trying to scramble away from a tackle. This was not the first time I had seen this bumper sticker and unfortunately, it won't be the last. So what is my problem with this bumper sticker?
I have lots of problems with it, actually. And they have nothing to do with "post-pre-ami-millenialism" or any of those other huge words Baptists use to knock the Methodists down a peg or to pinpoint the exact time when Jesus will come back to "take all his good people home."

Here are my TOP 5 problems with this bumper sticker:

1) How NICE of you to tell everyone that your car is going to be a careening weapon of death as it veers driver-less into oncoming traffic or on to sidewalks full of pedestrians while you get beamed up to a nicer, more peaceful place to hold hands with Jesus.

2) How HUMBLE of you to brag about how SPECIAL you are!

3) How THOUGHTFUL of you to presume that the world needs a WARNING about how special you are.

4) How CONSIDERATE of you to make everyone else feel fearful or anxious about how special THEY MIGHT NOT BE.

5.) How HELPFUL of you to make the rest of us Christians look like HEARTLESS, ARROGANT, CRAZIES.

Thanks to ALL OF THE ABOVE, you will now scare more people away from the faith instead of letting your bumper serve its sole (not soul) purpose of STOPPING ANOTHER CAR WHEN IT HITS YOURS FROM BEHIND. (Oh, and you do realize that you just placed a strip of sticky paper on your car's butt to tell the world that you are a special?!)
Warning: Do not make this into a bumper sticker. It's creepy.

Let's face it. When people who were not brought up in very conservative protestant churches read this bumper sticker they think: "Just another Christian who thinks I'm going to hell and they're going to heaven." Why don't Christians think of this before they speak, write, make a poster or slap a bumper sticker on their car?  I don't mind you bragging about your honor student, but please stop the bumper bragging about how forgiven you are or how raptured you are going to be and just drive safely and politely.

OK, I have to ask. What's going to happen to this bumper sticker when driverless cars are the norm? They're not that far off! Pretty soon, we'll just sit somewhere in the car (maybe in the back window like our dogs?) doing our nails or playing Angry Birds while our Google Gas-free Gazelle GT takes us to our destination. I'm not kidding! Check out this link: Driverless Cars! When this happens, the rapture bumper sticker will have to change! Maybe it will read like this:

WARNING: In case of rapture, the special person in this car is going to disappear, so once this car gets to the mall, it will stay there.

Hmmmm...Kind of a let down, huh? Definitely not as dramatic as an out-of-control empty car mowing down sinners in a crosswalk, but still, it makes the point about how special this person is and how well, special you AREN'T if you don't believe what he or she does.Ugh. Did I mention I hate bumper stickers?
Although, there might be ONE I would put on my bumper:

WARNING: If you put a dumb "Christian" bumper sticker on your car, I will blog about it at!

-Hope Horner, 2014

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#bumperstickers #rapture #progressivechristian #patheos #hopehorner

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