Please Don't Find Me!

"As much as I wanna be found, please don't find me..."





I recently downloaded Civil Twilight's new album, pressed shuffle on my ipod, and this slow, haunting ballad started playing. I was entranced. The Coldplay-ish like singer pleaded earnestly with his listeners. In his voice was the strain and tension of his message...

"As much as I want to be found, please don't find me...
'Cause I've been running for awhile and I'm used to this by now...
So as much as I want to be found
Please don't find me..."

The last two lines rang out.  They reminded me of how I have felt at times.  They convey such a poignant, painful truth about so many people we know and meet.

I'm here.
I am lost, lonely and hopeless.
But please don't find me.
I am ashamed.
I am embarassed.
I must preserve my dignity.
I have my pride.
Just leave me alone.
But not really.
I mean, I don't really want to be alone.
I hate this, you know, this feeling alone?
I do want to be loved,
But ..
It is safer here,
Unfound.
On my own, I am
Less vulnerable.
If I am found,
If you discover me, 
If you enter my seclusion,
Will you judge me?
Will you look down on me?
Will you bring others in with you?
Will I have to cover my ears and scream,
"GET OUT!  LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY MISERY!"
Because you will want to be understood
Before you seek to understand.
I know what I am doing is killing me!
And I'm aware that this solitary confinement is no cure,
But it is all I know -
This running, this hiding from others, from God.
I want love, freedom;
And I'd love to know peace,
But -
In the privacy of my shame there is comfort.
In the hiding place of my embarassment there is familiarity.
My pride provides protection.
In my secret solitude, I feel safe.
So as much as I want to be found,
Please don't find me.

This is the cry for love that pushes away.  It can be said a lot of different ways. It's in the voice of the angry teen that screams "Leave me alone!" but really means "Don't let me go!" It's in the eyes of the poor when they come to a charity event hoping to leave with gifts AND their dignity.  This is in the hearts of unbelievers when they meet Christians in fancy suits carrying pamphlets on "Accepting Jesus into Your Heart."  It's in the cries of the broken hearted - "I will never love anyone again!" It's in the voice of a child who has never known a stable home. 

As much as I want to be found, please don't find me -  is to be believed, but not obeyed. When I hear it (or see it in behavior in some cases) it means, "I may not let you in."  And if I don't slow down, if I don't listen, seek to understand, humble myself, serve, love and reach out in compassion, this person will not let Christ in either.

Lord, there are so many wounded, hardened hearts that need to hear the soothing, softening message of God's loving grace which can handle our worst fears, our deepest hurts, our greatest sins and are biggest shortcomings.  May we believe it ourselves and share it with others.  Put a new song in our hearts --
"I once was lost, but now am found!
Was blind, but now I see!"


Luke 15:11-32
Psalm 61