Saturday, May 4, 2013

AAA - Affordable Apology Assistance

In my town this past week a special event was held where leaders got together with the Mayor to pray. The guest speaker for the event was a certain leadership consultant who had made offensive comments within the past year at a rally against Proposition 8 (gay marriage). Protesters gathered outside the event to remind him that the comments were not appreciated. As he exited the event, he had a chance to talk with some of the them. As a result of his interactions with the protesters and as he describes it--"a  humility that came over him", he apologized.  
Well, kind of.  
Here is his apology as quoted in the local paper:
“I was humbled by prayer when I realized that a quote that I once gave at a rally might be misconstrued. I didn’t intend it to be taken that way and that prayer - that humility - compelled me to apologize to anyone that I’ve offended because of that misunderstanding.”

Check out this cartoon from The New Yorker below and see if you notice any similarities:  

It is clear that people like this guest speaker, as well as politicians, celebrities, professional athletes and government employees need assistance with their apologies.They just can't see to say "I'm sorry" in a way that makes any sense or sounds anything like real remorse (except for being caught of course. For that, they are TRULY sorry.They are also pretty good at being sorry for you because you didn't understand them.)

So after hearing this "apology" and so many others like it over the years, I decided to open up a new business. 

Affordable Apology Assistance
Saying Sorry Sucks:  We Can Help!

From boo-boo to blow-up, let AAA create the perfect apology for you.

1 Apology: $19.95 
All proceeds going to Doctors Without Borders since it is clear this epidemic knows no boundaries. 

Bundle of 3 Apologies (Variety Pack): $34.95 
All proceeds going to the American Heart Association since it is clear that this epidemic causes a hardening of the heart.

Specialized Apology (A Custom Apology): Cost varies 
Price determined by how many times you have screwed up and need to apologize. For example, if you need to apologize not only for your actions, but also for the major cover up you championed for several months before we figured out you actually DID "have sex with that woman" then be prepared to get out the Visa. 
All proceeds go to me because this is going to be a lot of work.  

Special Offer!  Today Only!
Today as a special offer to celebrate the grand opening of AAA, we offer a FREE APOLOGY!
So, Mr. Guest Speaker and all others who struggle to let real humility and contrition settle on their hearts, here's an apology you can use for FREE. It works for almost any screw-up.

"I am sorry that what I was said/did was hurtful and demeaning. I did not mean to hurt anyone, but I did. I should be more careful about what I say/do. Please forgive me. I hope and pray to never, ever, ever do anything like this again. God help me."

Hope this helps.  If not, contact AAA for further assistance.

Hope A. Horner
President, Affordable Apology Assistance (AAA)

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